


Umbrella Omens (Or: an Angel and a Demon are Better Parents than Reginald Hargreeves)

by oswinosgoodsscarf



Category: Good Omens (TV), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Gen, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), these kids get a good childhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:51:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinosgoodsscarf/pseuds/oswinosgoodsscarf
Summary: There are many universes where Reginald Hargreeves fucks up perfectly good children.This is not one of them.(aka my friends had some great ideas about how Crowley and Aziraphale would raise the Hargreeves kids. I ran with those ideas.)





	Umbrella Omens (Or: an Angel and a Demon are Better Parents than Reginald Hargreeves)

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely based on https://make-pasta-not-h8.tumblr.com/post/185517049318 this tumblr post because dammit these kids deserve better. (Please, if you haven't check the post out!!! There's stuff on there that I couldn't fit in here!)

There are many universes where the Hargreeves children exist. Some are happy, most are riddled with the memories of a truly fucked up childhood. In most of these universes, Reginald Hargreeves get a hold of those seven children and keeps them, molding and traumatizing and suppressing them.  
However, there is one exception. In a universe with devils, angels and ineffable plans, those seven babies end up with a very British angel and a devil with a penchant for Queen.

Their story is one filled with far more happiness. 

 

* * *

 

 

Aziraphale didn't exactly _ask_ Crowley whether he was in agreement with his plan: the angel just showed up with seven babies with him and asked for the devil's help.

"I couldn't possibly leave them with him, my dear! He wasn't looking for children, you know. He just wanted soldiers."

Crowley wouldn't admit it, but the only thing he found more distasteful than a vigilante group spreading good everywhere was the idea of a bastard like Reginald Hargreeves being in charge of children.

Making a nursery in his home was a way to make sure those kids didn't grow up to be too good. And he certianly wasn't going to let his angel take care of seven humans alone.

 

* * *

 

 

When the children's powers became evident, Crowley certainly did not scare Aziraphale by screaming about Antichrists. Azirapale equally did not freeze up for half an hour when he saw the evidence for himself.

After some alcohol and tea, however, the two collected themselves and set about making the flat safe for infants with superpowers.

 

* * *

 

 

Along with the requisite "talks" that human children needed to have, the added powers made some extra discussions mandatory.

 

 

Aziraphale sighs as Allison stares, confused.

"I don't understand. What's the difference?"

The angel looks around his bookshop, trying to find a comparison that the three-year-old would understand.

"My dear girl, it's like- well- like if I dirty my coat. I can miracle it away, but *I* still know it's there, underneath. A miracled-away stain is not the same as it never being dirty. It's the same with your power. It might look like the same thing, someone doing something because you Rumored them and them doing the same thing because they want to, but underneath it all... well, the difference is still there, and you know it."

 

When Vanya's talents made themselves apparent, Crowley found himself best suited to help her gain control. For all his snark and reluctance to do any work, it was he who could most easily calm her down. Instead of locking her up and drugging her, Crowley helped her by miracling away any damage, gave her noise-canceling headphones for her to use in overwhelming situations. He guided her through meditation and finding non-lethal ways to let off steam. And he always, always reminded her that he loved her.

After a particularly explosive incident, Crowley sat next to Vanya, watching the small girl curled up in a ball.

"Y'know... this isn't the worst mess I've seen. I mean, humans are good at making messes, but your cousin Adam, he made a much bigger mess."

At this, Vanya looked up at Crowley.

"Cousin Adam? Really?"

He chuckled, "Oh yes. He nearly ended the world. Bit of a mess, with all the..." he gestured vaguely, "fire and Satan and angry angels and stuff. And Aziraphale and I managed to clean that up. So unless you manage to make a bigger mess of things than the Antichrist, well, you'll be fine."

He waved his hand, and the ruined house repaired itself.

"He got the hang of it in the end, and you will too. Come on!"

Crowley was right. It just took time, practice, and few words of encouragement. When it was discovered that playing an instrument greatly help Vanya channel and control her abilities, her violin playing was gleefully applauded by Aziraphale. 

 

 

While a few unsavory ghosts hung around Klaus at the beginning, they were quickly chased off by a few hissed promises and threatening smiles courtesy of Crowley.

 

 

Ben was terrified of himself; the Darkness, what he was capable of, the destruction he could reign down on everyone.  
Crowley genuinely thought the best way to show him he was not Evil was letting glimpse his true form.

After Ben stopped screaming long enough, he realized his Darkness wasn't what was going to dictate his life. After all, if Crowley looked like.....  
Well. If he looked like that and could be be somewhat decent, Ben could definitely do it.

He picked playing clarinet to see if it helped him like the violin helped Vanya, and enjoyed the extra time with his sister. This was met with angelic glee and demonic bribes to try to play queen as a duet. Of course, some of their troubles did not stem from their powers.

 

 

Diego had always had a stutter, but it only became a problem when he started going to school. While his siblings never cared, and his guardians even less so, his new classmates found no end to their delight in tormenting him. One day, Aziraphale found Diego crying after school and finally learned about the trouble the young boy was having.

  
"Diego, there's nothing wrong with how you talk!"

Diego sniffled as the angel hugged him.  
  
"M-m-my c-classm-m-m-mates -"

  
"Are wrong!" Aziraphale interrupted. "You know, I once knew a man with a stutter like yours a few years ago. Very nice young man. Didn't stop him from doing anything - he had the help of his older brother, Aaron. You see, he may have had a speech impediment, but that didn't stop him from doing incredible things. With his brothers' help, he could take anything. You have us, Diego, you always will. You also are an incredibly kind and capable young man, and I have no doubt that you will be equally brilliant."

Aziraphale dried his sons' tears, then went off to make them both hot cocoa, determined to have words with his teacher.

The bullying abruptly stopped, and Diego kept finding books on self-confidence and famous disabled people in history on his shelves. 

* * *

 

Some of the "talks" were more awkward than others, though.

 

 

"Mum, what kind of wings am I going to grow?"

"Ah, I- what?" "You and Dad have wings! Does that mean I'll have wings when I grow up? Can I fly with them?"

"Wings? ah, I don't even know what you're talking about. Never heard of 'em!"

After distracting Klaus with TV, Crowley dropped any pretense of responsibility and broke out the whiskey at 10 am and quietly screaming "fuuuck" to himself.  
It would be a few years until Klaus would understand that he would never grow wings and that his siblings couldn't see them. Klaus was very put-out on both counts.

 

Aziraphale taught Diego how to use knives properly while Crowley watched and snarked about keeping better track of them than Aziraphale did his sword. The angel in question doggedly ignored him and Diego's inevitable questions, preferring to fuss about any injuries he needed to miracle away.

 

In another universe, Five spent decades growing up amidst rubble, decaying bodies and despair, his only friend a mannequin and his own lonely mind. In this universe, however, Aziraphale just snapped his fingers the moment he felt his son time travel. Five learned his lesson, after a few harrowing minutes of trying to get back to his family before being summoned unceremoniously back to the table.

"You weren't excused, Five," Aziraphale put primly, "Not even for excursions into the future, I'm afraid."

Five may have been grounded, but he did, however, find new math books in his room despite a stern discussion about listening to his immortal occult/ethereal guardians. During his grounding, Five often helped Crowley keep the houseplants in line, eventually graduating to keeping houseplants of his own in his room to terrorize and bounce equations off of. (Crowley never stopped smirking and voicing his delight at this development.)  
He may have also picked up an instrument to join Ben and Vanya, but he was quick to assure everyone it was to stop from getting too bored while being cooped up at home. Crowley laughed this off and Aziraphale chided him for lying to an angel.

 

Luther, never having to be the perfect Number One, grew up surrounded by love and taught to open up. He could often be found in the bookshop, moving the too-heavy objects or helping his siblings with their homework. With better parents, he learned how to happy, how to share, how be a true leader. He learned that he like to bake, that he preferred soft clothes, that he loved space and that hot cocoa after crying was wonderful, and that Diego's mischievous streak increased tenfold whenever he and Crowley were felt to their own devices. 

 

* * *

  

Ben doesn't die because, for one thing, Aziraphale and Crowley are not idiots, thank you very much. For another, Ben finds a confidante and mentor in his cousin Adam. The former Antichrist knows a few things about resisting the allure of an inner Darkness, after all. The two stay in touch, trading stories and tips on keeping a grip on one's Self.

 

* * *

 

Puberty was about as easy for the two immortals as the rest of parenthood was: while they were vaguely familiar with the concept, it was another to have seven humans going through it under one roof.

During this time, Klaus really came into his own fashion sense (or, well, taking Crowley's fashion sense and strut and adding more body glitter to it). Ben really started to come out of his shell more, his deadpan exasperation and own wicked sense of humor shining through while he dragged Klaus out of trouble. Five started writing longer equations, driven by the need to  _learn_ and Luther started to find his own way in the night sky with telescopes and books and his fathers' stories of creation and galaxies tucked under his arm. Vanya started wearing button-ups, cutting her hair, and understanding why Crowley and Aziraphale scoffed at gender labels. Allison found ways of affecting people without inhibiting free will in the monologues of plays and dramatic death scenes in movies and began dreaming of her name in lights. Diego starts seeing the cruelty in the world and meets it with an overwhelming need to *help*, even if he's not quite sure how to yet.

 

In another universe, their descent into adolescence was marked by addictions, twisted romances and numbness, by being unable to breach the gaps and lying and denial.

In this universe, Crowley helps Klaus learn how to walk in heels, Aziraphale picks out Vanya's bow-tie for her first violin solo, Luther has a healthy crush, Diego plays laser-tag on the weekends, Ben spends days reading and learning about people and comic books about The Hulk, Allison lands her first role in the school play (after her parents coach her diction with Shakespeare), and Five learns that genius is nothing without kindness by watching Crowley.

In this universe, these seven teens have parents that help them study for tests, go to every graduation and show and let them choose their life.

In this universe, these seven teens aren't desperate to run away or gain love they'll never have (they already have it, get so love from everyone important in their lives.)

In this universe, all their dance parties are performed together, with the teens occasionally dragging their parents into the fray. While none of the children learned to gavotte properly, Luther got his dancing skills from Crowley, and is assured he'll be a hit at the disco.

 

* * *

 

 

Years later, Vanya was the highlight in any orchestra, a household name in the world of musicians.

Pride was a sin and Aziraphale was an angel, so he ignored the feeling for the overwhelming joy and love he felt for Vanya and their success. Crowley had no such qualms, and expressed his pride for Vanya by hollering as obnoxiously as he could.

 

The two immortals were bursting with joy when Diego graduated from the Police Academy, as well as on his first day on the job. Aziraphale decided to drop by during his sons' break to congratulate him again, though he also decided to keep Crowley far away from the police station. That would end in arrests, property damage and a very cross Diego.

 

Allison's wish came true - she was in film after film, rocketing to fame after innumerable successes. (her parents were also incredibly proud of how she managed it all without a single Rumor, only using her ability when someone's safety was on the line.) Crowley delighted in going to the cinema and seeing every one of his daughters' films (and annoying moviegoers in the process), and will always come to her aid if she ever needs advice on how to parent Claire.

(Crowley also delighted in coming to galas and red carpet events and telling her off for not visit him and Aziraphale more often. Every time this happened, Allison would immediately leave and join the two for dinner.She was  _not_ going to e responsible for making the angel sad.

Aforementioned angel definitely never knew about this and certainly never sent out his demon to periodically hound his daughter.)

 

Luther goes to the moon of his own volition, chasing the stars and the wonder that Creation inspires. The whole family got together to send him off properly, with a party and cheering. Crowley tells him what the best bits to look out for are, and Aziraphale promises to keep in touch.

In other universes, Luther is left alone for years, desperate for love and coming to terms with a body he never wanted.

In this universe, Luther knows that he is enough.

 

Ben and Klaus end up working with unfortunates: Klaus sets up a home for homeless queer teens, Ben works at a rehab center. 

They know how lucky they were, having parents that loved them and supported them, understood their struggles with themselves. Klaus knows how to coax the kids into being unapologetically _them_ , and Ben knows what sort of yearning, temptation, hunger his patients feel.

(They want to make sure other people get some of that love, that help that they found in their parents.)

 

Five found his niche in the upper echelons of academia, ruthlessly tearing apart the arrogant upstarts while vouching for promising newcomers. Not having to try and survive in a hellscape, he visits his parents every weekend to talk books with Aziraphale and drive with Crowley.

 

* * *

 

 

There are universes where the Hargreeves children are broken, abused, and killed.

In this universe, they can be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback in the form of kudos and/or comments is incredibly appreciated!!! :D


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